Usually I don't speak in literals, but today I just have to. It was all too intense.
You don't know what you don't know.
And now I know how big a deal my leaving the Navy was.
Today felt incredible. I donned my new uniform and old ribbons, NSAWC nametag - put on my belt and it was like muscle memory. I even put on my shirt stays. Only it feels right this time. Even my fucked up Navy haircut feels great.
Now I know how devastating the events of July 2005 were and why. Almost all I'd worked for was snatched from me. It's right up there with the top 5 shitty things to happen in my life. But despite my best efforts - I'm back.
I look at the Navy now with a different perspective. It's as much a part of me as my family, skiing, upstate New York or anything else. It's ten years of commitment and work - the hardest work I've ever done. I earned everything I got in the Navy. That's why I sit in this very nice hotel enjoying the nightime silence on this beautiful base, all while making a nice wage.
I miss Bremerton. I particularly miss the base. Everything is so familiar it's like home. So much of who I am happened here. Long conversations in those very same phone booths outside the exchange. Seeing the resource center where I planned my then girlfriend's trip to see me. The Olympic Mountain views. The temperature. This morning's sunrise over Oyster Bay. The uniforms. The BEQ buildings where Memo and I shared a barracks room for months. Those same barracks where Debbie and I had the craziest nights imaginable. Those same ones where I got my shit together and threw it all on the line for Lindsay. The bowling alley where McAteer and I looked to find trouble. The same CIA gates where I walked to the USS Abraham Lincoln and hated the Navy. I was here on 9/11. This is the same uniform shop where I bought my first JO rating badge. These barracks in Bangor are where Lindsay and I stayed while she was pregnant with Meghan. I recognize uniforms and ribbons. I'm helping other people out. I really like knowing what the fuck I'm talking about. Then there's the free gym and the cheap commissary. Then there's the places I used to drive my Accord.
It's almost like everyone's faces are still here. Juan will be waiting to meet me on the pier. Debbie has a room at the BEQ. Memo is sitting in the barracks room surfing channels. Thibedeaux and Neil Young are picking me up at the mini mart. Byun is using the computers at the Resource Center. The USS Sacramento is still at the pier and all my friends are still on it.Casey Poole is walking down the pier to her green Ford Escort - all while being much more civilized than the rest of us. Barb is walking w/ me to the galley for lunch where Rachael is cooking the food. Elizondo and Paguay are going to meet us and drink with Sturm, Little, Thibs and Ivey at their house.
But those faces are gone. Even though they're still in my heart.
I walk by those same places and think about the things I used to do. Then I think about what I do now. I was so unhealthy and so misguided. No one could have changed that - I had to. I ate terrible food and wasted so much of my time, money and energy. Just misguided that's all...
I haven't popped off my first salute yet, and kind of don't want to. It's just like that last part of the transition I'm holding onto. I'm just scared I'll fall into line w/ everyone else and that's not what I want. I want to be me here.
I never knew it, but I am the Navy - and the Navy is me. Thanks for pointing that out Amar.
Anyone remember my blog about a professional baseball player coming back to where his career started? Fancy this.
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