1.21 gigawatts? 1.21 gigawatts? Great Scott!

"This is it! This is the answer. It says here... that a bolt of lightning is going to strike the clock tower at precisely 10:04pm, next Saturday night! If... If we could somehow... *harness* this lightning... *channel* it... into the flux capacitor... it just might work. Next Saturday night, we're sending you back to the future!"

It's like the plane to Cambodia was packed w/ plutonium, a flux capacitor and 1.21 gigawats. Man - what a trip.

The ranks, the faces, the routines, the locations, the phrases, the uniforms, the mannerisms, the attitudes and demeanors, stresses and things we enjoy here - some things are so wonderfully familiar and comforting while at the same time aggravating. It's the Navy.

Imagine you could just time warp back to high school and be the person you once were. Well it's not possible to do it, but you could easily find yourself at a high-school reunion where you're in the same location w/ the same people or type of people you used to be around every day.

You'd probably immediately notice your change in perspective since that was your everyday life. And you'd probably notice just how much you've changed by reinserting yourself in that environment after a lot of personal evolution. Well that's pretty much what's going on w/ the Navy right now.

I've grown and changed a lot in the last six years. So putting on this uniform and going to work every day again is odd. It's almost like not knowing how to act in your own skin. The Navy changed a lot w/out me too. Now there's this readjustment period where I'm finding out who I am now in the Navy.

Good news is that I'm much better than I was - being more mature, educated and capable. But that doesn't stop me from sliding into an oddly familiar head space w/ oddly familiar habits and experiencing something so familiar with new senses.

My reflection of this time will be very interesting.

On a Lighter Note

Sometimes you just need to sit and do some poolside blogging about how you're roughing it 86 miles north of the Equator.

Well me too. And that's exactly what I'm doing this fine and beautiful evening at the Terror Club on base in Singapore. The kind folks at Commander Logistics Group Pacific are letting me use their camera equipment in addition to my own - which is a lot of fun. That's the Navy unit out here putting me up in their office and then daring make me work for this incredible trip. Bummer right?


In all honesty, there's a lot of re-familiarization going on. Something about working in the same office I used to and watching someone else do the exact same stuff I used to do is pretty odd. While I'm being honest - I'll admit I still love it.


Tomorrow should be good. I've got a 7:30 a.m. shoot at the Changi district - wherever that is. After that I process and edit my photos for release. After work, I'm gonna try to hit up that night safari. I think there are just way too many incredible photo opportunities. Stand by for more!

What Remains

They're everywhere - in the walkways, in and outside the graves, near the trees and structures. Only about half of the people murdered in these killing fields had enough remains to be identified or counted. Children were literally smashed against a tree and other objects, making their remains very difficult to find.

That is reality. And that is truly the most horrifying part of this whole experience.

Most of the souls I encountered face-to-face through photos and evidence of their terrifying existence at S-21 Prison in Phnom Penh were murdered here at Choeung Ek - one of many execution fields across the Cambodian country side from 1975-79.

My guide and friend Makara, spent the better portion of his teens and 20s guiding foreigners through the S-21 prison directly across from his house, through this and other killing fields and the legendary Angkor Wat up north in Siem Reap.

He knows just about everything there is to be known about these places - unlike many of his peers and the generation of young people growing up behind him and me. Mak voiced his disappointment and disgust at his government's practice of ignoring the genocide and not talking about it in school. In other words, most young Cambodians don't have any idea about the Khmer Rouge and wouldn't believe you if you told them.

His tour was both enlightening and chilling. I've never felt so somber in my life - right behind sailing into Pearl Harbor, manning the rails at 19 years old and rendering honors to every single ship sunk there. That was somber and chilling, but this is nearly indescribable - mostly because no one in our country did a damn thing about it. Taking American lives is definitely a worse crime in the eyes of our government.

First thing you see as you walk in to Choung Ek is the large stupa, built as a memorial to the people killed here. It's beautiful from afar. The closer you get you realize it's literally filled with skulls excavated from the graves all over the campus here.

Rather than go here first, Mak brought me to the graves. The only changes to this place are the excavation of some of the graves and roping some areas off out of respect for the graves. Ironically this was a Chinese cemetery before the Khmer Rouge turned it into a mass-execution factory.

Many of the graves are different. This one in particular stands out. All the victims here were beheaded. Mak says they were probably prominent figures like monks, doctors, educators and the educated.

I remember hearing about how the Khmer Rouge killed children - especially. They threw the children, usually babies, into the air and caught them on bayonets. This was also true for women in labor who had children. They were immediately caught on knives and bayonets as they were born.

Most other children were smashed into this tree. Mak notes many people say the tree is possessed as you can see a face in the tree on the black spot - which is directly from the number of children beat against it.

Most adults were killed in one of about five ways. This palm tree was the most surprising tool of murder. As you can see, these trees have very sharp edges and create a blade of sorts. In order to make the killing most efficient - both effort and cost wise - Khmer Rouge used the blades of these trees to cut throats. They felt bullets were too costly to waste on these people's lives.

The other common methods were to hit victims in the head w/ a hammer. This would usually puncture the skull and kill a person w/in minutes. They also used pointed hammers and gardening tools like hoes and shovels. Each of the skulls tells a story about how its life was taken. Many holes show hoe hits to the face, holes in the side or pointed impact holes.

Mak demonstrates how the victims were blindfolded, gagged and restrained with cloth around their wrists. Each was with put on their knees or simply stood while a Khmer Rouge soldier attacked them and pushed them into a mass grave. Not all victims immediately died. Many screamed and moaned as they were cut or hit and as they lay in the graves dying.

In order to keep the young teenage soldiers from being affected by the screams and moans of their work, leaders played loud and often happy music from speakers in this tree. Today all you can hear are the playful screams of children at recess in the school right next to this killing field. As stated before, they are absolutely unaware of what happened here.

Lastly, we visited the memorial stupa. I don't even know how I feel about this. On second thought I feel a lot about this - too much to get into right now. Ask me sometime and I'll expound.

As for my friends and blog readers in Washington, please visit the Killing Fields Museum right in downtown Seattle. Don't feel bad if you didn't already know about it. I didn't either. But now that you do know about it, don't put off visiting. Failing to do so makes you just as ignorant and responsible for the next genocide as the Cambodians who ignore their own history.

 Seattle Killing Field Museum

Do your part to make sure this NEVER happens again.

A Thing or Two About Genocide

"So it may never happen again."

Isn't that the idea of the Holocaust Museum? Wasn't that the idea behind the provisions of post WWII and the United Nations? Didn't we, as Americans, swear it wouldn't happen again? Don't we know better?

It's difficult to conceive how important the United States is on the world stage. Regardless of our economic problems and such, we're still the best place to live in the world. The easiest way to really get an idea of that is to leave our country for even a little bit and come to a country like this. One of the things we all seem to agree on is how we've got it better and we're definitely more educated.

Well how educated and better than anyone else are we when we let 2 million people get fucking massacred not 30 years after we promised we would never let it happen again?

War protests over our involvement in the Vietnam War were pretty spot on. What were we doing there aside from killing millions of our own (and Vietnamese) people? Put this in your pipe and smoke it:

We got what a good buddy of mine coined, "war fatigue." Basically the people in America got sick of losing American life in Vietnam so we wisely decided to leave and bring everyone home. Then we pulled everyone out of Asia completely even though our government and our citizens were aware of an impending situation here in Cambodia.

Within months of the US leaving Vietnam the Khmer Rouge move into Phnom Penh, literally just a few hundred miles away from where US forces were already fighting, and begin to murder 2 million people in about four years.

Where the fuck was our commitment then? Somehow we decided that because we had no business in Vietnam and losing life wasn't good we should leave. Meanwhile we turn the blind eye to more massacre. Sounds a lot to me like we only value American life. Interesting isn't it?

Oh yeah I almost forgot Guess who came to push out the Khmer Rouge?

Better yet you look it up if you don't know. And make that a habit in the future. Don't believe everything you hear. As an American, you have almost limitless access to information. That's a luxury most of the world doesn't have. Don't waste it.

That's my rant. Stop being fucking ignorant sheep. That's where doing something for humanity begins - making sure you're doing your due diligence.

S-21

I'm torn between, among many other emotions right now, whether to post something now or wait till I've digested my experience and my reaction to the most horrifying experience of my life - S-21 Prison here in Phnom Penh.


My boss, Lt. Mike Morley and I arrived back here late this a.m. to our hotel, A-1 Hotel in Phnom Penh after wrapping up the Cambodia phase of our training mission last night on board USS Tortuga. My schedule since before departing Olympia kept me busy enough to literally remain oblivious to what day it is. Today, Tuesday, June 15th will serve as the waypoint in time for which everything on this trip is relative to.

No more incredible 4-star beach resort and disgust from the port politics and economic depression along the Cambodian coast at Sihanoukville. Today was my introduction to genocide at the S-21 prison.

Millions were tortured and held captive as they passed through this former school-turned-detention/slaughter house.

Human remains and blood stains are still on the floors underneath the actual beds and you can tour the facility at your own pace to take in things on your own. We managed to hit S-21 w/ only four other people I could see and we hardly saw them at that. It's a very lonely and desolate place that still wreaks of horror caused by ignorance and manipulation and exploitation.

Room after room - for the first few I was fascinated by the realism and matter-of-fact presentation of the facility. One bed in a large room with shutters and a (most likely blood-stained) tile floor. The blood is just one of the staining fluids there after people were left to die and eventually rot. As their bodies began to decompose, their fluids leaked through the beds - staining the tiles.

I know this because a photographer was tasked to shoot the rooms as the Vietnamese found them - with a person whose tortured body was most likely cross-legged and shackled to a dowel of re-bar attached to a bed. The photos are blown up and hang on the wall depicting the very bed, shackles and re-bar (and often ammunition container they were forced to use as a toilet) beside you. Nothing has been removed beside the human remains which are now buried in front of that particular building. There are at least ten large rooms like this. I lost count as the whole immensity and horror made me feel a sense of vertigo and terrifyingly euphoric.

I find it incredible to now personally know witnessing just the 30-year-old remnants of genocide triggers my coping mechanism - and that was in the first 15 minutes. But as one coping mechanism kicked in so did another - my conscious commitment to take this in as a service to not just the victims of S-21 and the Khmer Rouge, but everyone I know. No matter how gruesome and disturbing it was, I dug into that place where I choose to push myself forward.

I don't know why but these people were deliberately kept away from the general population. I assume it was because they could hypothetically spread knowledge to the others and therefore posed a real risk to the Khmer Rouge. 

The next building is another three-story building completely wrapped in barbed wire. It was put there after a woman successfully committed suicide from the third story. Mike told me that story and I felt a sense of respect for her - whose face is likely one of the faces defiantly staring into your eyes among the thousands of photos now filling that building and as if telling you, "we are dignified."

And they are dignified - hopefully by me. And that's why I chose to continue on through the much smaller individual chambers and cells. Most likely there were 12 to a room. Some were divided by wood and others clearly thrown together with brick and mortar. The windows obviously had bars layered with barbed wire and shutters to keep the light out - which they successfully did.

I don't know how many people lived and died in that place. Young, old, men, women, mothers with their new-borns in hand, soldiers, scholars, doctors, politicians - they were all murdered. Even the term murder and the basic idea we associate w/ murder would have been an easy way out for them.

Lastly, I deliberately avoided any kind of warning about what I wrote and the photos I shot. That's my way of using what these people taught me today. That's a part of my education someone (Meaghan at the Fish Tale) shared with me. It was enough to spark my interest and go there. It was enough to make me connect with the victims of S-21 and give them dignity somehow. Tricking you into reading and experiencing this in some way is a service to them and humanity. Come see this place and share the truth and horror humans can conjure up. After all, you and me, the Khmer Rouge and victims are all just people. Kind of makes you think doesn't it?

Please see more of the photos in this gallery - http://gallery.me.com/ghorst10#100195

The Lower Wat

I just wanted to take a few minutes before I pass out here to sleep to highlight probably the coolest day I've had here yet in Cambodia.



The day began super early with my favorite server at the Independence Hotel - Mary. Just like CARAT staffers Admiral Tyson and Maj. Turnbull, it was Mary's birthday yesterday. But rather than go party it up at the Angkor brewery like the rest of us, the newly turned 18-year-old woman stayed home making a very special bracelet for Hannah. She's making one similar for my that has my name written in Khmer. How cool right?

Breakfast was wonderful and I departed for Village d'Enfant - another local orphanage near the hotel. Yet again - Sailors and Marines played together long enough to get a couple rooms painted for the kids and get the asses handed to them in soccer. Pretty cool to see everyone's energy over here about soccer right now w/ the World Cup going on. The best part was a traditional Khmer dance the kids performed to kick things off. I mean - it's really beautiful.

After getting the photos edited and captioned, I borrowed someone's driver and went pagoda hunting around the area and ended at the lower Sihanoukville Pagoda. It's also a monk school w/ about 300 monks living and studying on site. My driver and fill-in translator, Zhee, and I toured the temple and campus where we found Thai Rin, a high-school graduate monk pursuing college right now. Thai Rin spoke very good English like most of the monks who live there. I'll have to write about each of these experiences tomorrow morning.

I'm having trouble uploading more photos, but rest assured I'll make it happen.

Found It

Right underneath my nose - it's been right here at the Independence Hotel.

Unlike the better portion of my time in Thailand last summer, I'm not feeling the adventure bug quite yet. There's this part of me that craves solace and relaxation. I'd willingly forgo the relaxation for some cultural exploration. However, this town (Sihanoukville) isn't much for cultural exporation - unless you get off on seeing poverty, dirt and hardship mixed with more western societies capitalizing on both Cambodia's tragic past and subsequent lack of understanding of cut-throat business and general western society.

I know that sounds grim, but it is what it is. Just an hour in Sihanoukville wreaks of garbage, deception and exploitation. There's certainly no shortage of bars, bar girls, the million tuk-tuk and motorbike pests or expats who flock to these places. Everything I've read is true. The one exception, lucky for me, is this hotel and its property.

It's literally a beach-front resort where no one wants to go. There are no bar girls, expats or garbage. While that certainly isn't the accurate depiction of Cambodian life, it's just what I've been looking for. I'll save the cultural exploration for Angkor Wat, the temples, nature and very recent horrors of S-21 Prison and other fresh wounds from the Khmer Rouge.

Poverty and corporate greed are not something I came here to study - no matter how blatant it is.

I look forward to sitting right here in this chair or that one over there on the beach w/ the hut over it.

I'm Gonna Remember to Enjoy It

That's what I told Admiral Tyson last year when she asked me what I'll do differently this time around in the Navy. She was surprised I had to force myself to enjoy it. That's what happens when you get too wrapped up in work.

Well this evening is going to be my first opportunity to practice my preaching. I spent the better portion of this trip talking about life, torture and horror of the Khmer Rouge, photographing more people talking about Khmer Rouge and then the second half of my day at an orphanage.

Suffice to say this trip is already turning into another experience of a lifetime - now I'm headed out to make it another very enjoyable one.

I put up a bunch of photos up on Facebook from the orphanage today. Head on over and check them out HERE

"Because I Hate You Trebek?"

There's nothing I can do to make my travel through Suvarnumbuhi International Airport in Bangkok anything less than a debacle. I swear I can hear this place laughing at me as I frantically rush through the massive walkways amidst Farang and locals alike. Anyone but me can see both the humor and relation to my favorite SNL skit - Celebrity Jeopardy. No one but me is taking it seriously and it's funny as hell.

This place is obviously both an engineering and architectural masterpiece, but it's the under-the-hood things that kill me. There are certainly worse places to be stuck, like Kim Williams in Nicaragua right now. Luckily I did some quick thinking and pleading and am headed to Phnom Penh in an hour. What an experience thus far.


Here's a link to some of the photos I've taken thus far along the trip.

Departure

And the adventure begins – not far from my house in Lacey, Wash. I poked my head in to grab some last-minute items from the pharmacy area. I mentioned travel in association with the items I was purchasing.

I had a feeling the woman ringing up my purchases was herself from Southeast Asia, but didn’t expect her to be from Phnom Penh. The irony was striking and I could see the excitement across her face. She seemed to know I was going to experience something wonderful as had as a child there.

She reiterated (several times) how safe and different Cambodia is today. In fact, she went back last year and had the time of her life. My best guess puts her at about 20-years-old, surely not old enough to have experienced the direct horrors of Khmer Rouge.

It’s the indirect effect Pol Pot and his regime played in her life that most likely was the catalyst for her family to move her to the US. Her enthusiasm for Cambodia, beyond her personal relationship to the area, only further excites me for this journey.

Next stop – airport.

That Time of Year

Last year's posts from Thailand are a lot of the reason people keep reading this damn blog. Well, the coming two months are for you - people who read this damn blog.

I'm headed off to Phnom Penh, Cambodia, for two weeks starting next Thursday. I'll be doing much of what I was doing around this time last year - shooting photos and writing stories for the Navy while having my perspective changed at one of the most fascinating places on earth. Lucky? You don't even know.

I value these trips so much and have promised not just myself, but everyone who's not fortunate enough to make these trips. I promise to make the most of it. Part of making the most is visiting Angkor Wat.

On that note, I have a ton of preparation. Thanks to Serene Pelletier at Dakine for my new KILLER photo pack. Dakine is the shit! No more lugging around multiple bags just to shoot and publish my photos - all-in-one now. Next is getting the uniforms and orders ready and I'm outta here!!

First stop is Cambodia and then a month in Singapore.

ReKindling Things

I am a journalist.

Whether it's on reporting side or the delivering side (PR), I love it!

Novels are boring, text books terrorize me and anything aside from a newspaper or magazine hasn't held my attention for more than a few hours at a time with little exception. Then came along the interweb.

It certainly appeared my style of reading was the way of the future as news and condensed information became the way of the web and how people not only got their information, but began to prefer the information. The pinnacle (thus far) is Twitter. But that's probably only till people get good enough at graphic art to skip language as a whole. Just looking down the line a bit.

In the meantime, I've found Kindle and other ebooks. I think this could be the meeting ground.

I prefer to read my news and such online or a computer and now I can subscribe like I used to. I can also download information to my computer and phone and kill time learning. This is the most exciting thing for me since even getting my iPhone.

Let's put it this way - I just bought my first real book outside classroom requirements in five years. Bring it!

Big (geek) Things

Thanks Steve - even though I was cursing your name earlier today. Thanks for making a laptop so simple a neanderthal, or me, could tear it apart and put it back together.

Here's how the day started - me tearing apart three Mac laptop computers in the hopes of putting together one machine which has all of the following working parts: screen, battery, DVD/CD drive, wifi card and built-in camera. Well I'm a bit closer now having repaired Lindsay's MacBook optical drive. However, it still needs a battery. I also fixed the noisy fan in my MacBook Pro, but was unable to repair the internal AirPort Extreme wifi card. Looks like I'm gonna have to buy a new card.

Lastly, I scoured through my isssued PowerBook G4 to make sure everything was maxed out in terms of memory. And it certainly is. I think Hannah needs one of those computers. They're pretty cool. Anyhow, I feel pretty comfortable replacing these parts as they come in.

Between yesterday's breakthroughs w/ Charlie Brown's fuel delivery issues and today's personal record-breaking computer work, I'm thinking a bit more like an engineer. And that has some relevance to current life.

One of the nice things about today's work was using online videos and downloading killer manuals. I think someone should make one about starting a business. It's not really that difficult. Anyone can do it. Just because it can be done by anyone, doesn't mean anyone who does it is doing it right though.

I enjoyed the process of reversing my steps while putting things back together. It helped me realize that everything I'm doing right now comes in steps and it can't be rushed. Each phase needs to have the appropriate amount of time and energy dedicated to it in order to come out well. It all matters once you put the machine back together and start relying on it. After all, I certainly hope I can rely on my own work to sustain my lifestyle.

The business plan is the engineering of a business. I could go on forever, but I'm sure you get the message. Plus I'm really tired.

The Big Chill

I spent at least 20 minutes slowly rocking with Hannah in a hammock under the trees in my backyard yesterday afternoon. Right then, while having a casual chat w/ Hannah, I haven't relaxed more than a year.

From UrbanDictionary.com

1.	chillin	587 up, 73 down
	buy chillin mugs, tshirts and magnets relaxing doing nothing special. a:whut chu doin? b:chillin

This really affects consciousness and the way I respond to day-to-day life. So rather than drink a beer, smoke a cigarette, scream or do any of the other activities we all do to "decompress" or "blow off steam," I just relaxed on a sunny mother's day w/ my family.

Lindsay and I brought Hannah to her first real birthday party for a friend - Bella. The girls had a fantastic time while we just sat back and watched her be herself. After the party Mor Mor took her for a girl's night and Lindsay finally got the time alone we've been starving for.

We checked in w/ some friends at a house-warming party for a few hours before driving our new (new to us) car around w/ late-night lattes followed by engaging conversation about us, real life and how we want things to be. We came away w/ some great direction and mutual understanding. It's nice to be on the same page again.

More of the same today and I'm still feeling very here and very in the moment. This has been missing for a very long time and I'm the one who's been missing it the whole time.

Best Front Flip Ever!

You've got to have some serious balls to pull this off - and he's willing to show he's got em!'


Teddy Berr massive 50 meter Front Flip at Nine Knights from headbud on Vimeo.

How Photography Kicked My Ass

Just for the record, I need to learn a whole lot more about photography. And I should do my best to learn it before the Navy sends me to Cambodia. I don't want good photos, I want incredible images.

I used to shoot a lot in my early Navy days and I was under the impression many of those images were pretty good. Now I'm beginning to think they were marginal at best. No matter what they were, I want my Cambodia stories and photos to be much better quality than the ones I shot last year in Thailand and even during my days back on the USS Abraham Lincoln. 

Lots of learning to do in very little time.

The New iPhone and What it Taught Us About Marketing

Well here it is in all its glory - Apple's unreleased iPhone 4G. What's the big freakin' deal surrounding this thing?

Basically an Apple employee left the phone at a bar near Apple headquarters in California. Someone found the phone, checked it out for a while spreading word across the internet like wildfire and then decided to sell it to the highest bidder - internet geek news site Gizmodo.

At first, my interest was to see what Apple thought the improvements to its pretty freakin' awesome iPhone should be vs. that of what independent developers came up with in several "jailbreak" options that void the warranty, but bring the device to a whole new level.

Here's a little backstory on the iPhone jailbreakhttp://gizmodo.com/5520155/gal-1//gallery/2 and why it plays a major role for me. Apple released the current 3G and 3GS iPhone models and labled them as super phones - and compared to any of its competition and predecessors, it definitely was. However, independent software developers got ahold of these iPhone 3G and 3GS' and started hacking away. What they found was a device even more incredibly capable than Apple touted it to be. These developers got their iPhones to wirelessly broadcast its internet connection via wifi, act as a data storage device, attach files to emails, edit files - basically tap the iPhone's real potential to literally be a small computer with the power of something you might have had on your lap about five or six years ago.

Why Apple insisted on restricting the iPhone's capability is beyond me and leaves me wondering. And that's my interest in this story. Did Apple finally unlock the iPhone's potential?

The answer is a loud and resounding no! The iPhone 4G barely taps the potential of an iPhone 2g. Interesting right? Is Apple stalling technological progression to make money on smaller improvements along the way? Are the cellular carriers' systems not strong enough to support all that information being sent/received? Do they feel consumers will be overwhelmed?

I'm beginning to wonder if the software engineer was drinking away his blues after all his great suggestions for the new iPhone 4G were not implemented - even though consumers like me would pay bookoo bucks to be completely at work from anywhere with just my phone.

Hooah!

It's an Army thing right?? BWAahahahahahaha!!

Found this on the ever-entertaining Failblog.org.

Crossing the Mind

I just finished my normal routine of looking for the perfect Ali photo to use as an alliteration to how I feel and what I'm about to talk about in my blog. It works every time but this time.

I saw this photo earlier today and it just kind of hit home. I'll go ahead and take the fun out of it for you. Kanye's sitting down here out of character just as himself - not the person he uses to alliterate on album covers and such. And something's brought his new life to a halt. Now there's something I can relate to.

People change as time goes on. There are plenty of folks who live where I did 15 years ago who are doing the very same thing in the very same place - just 15 years later. That's pretty common w/ a lot of people as well. But what about those people you met along the way - between where we started and where we are now? What if no one could stay where they were because that place is literally gone?

This is the life we've been making. And while a lot of people I know have a strong sense of connection to people they grew up w/ in school, I don't know many who feel a sense of connection so strong with the ones they met along the way. I'm different.

I've developed so many relationships with so many people. The numbers have to be in the millions. With the invent of things like Facebook and such, I've had to really scrutinize the degree of relationship I have w/ certain people. Bascically, if you don't bring something to the table, you don't sit at my table - except for a very few people who are always welcome. Whether present or not, no one may fill their seat.

One of those people just sat back down at the table a couple days ago after about ten years on the run. The life I've built since the last time we spoke came to a screeching halt. 

They're not in the same condition as the last time I saw them and I'm more worried now than I was while they were gone. I desperately want to know what's happened and what is happening. It's affecting my sleep and found its way into my daily thoughts. I think this kind of worrying tells me something isn't right.

Nonetheless, it's wonderful to have her back at the table.

What's Happening?

I’m not really sure.

In most cases if you’re not sure – it’s best to ask someone who is. Only problem with that rationale is the ones in this instance who are sure and know don’t wanna share what they know. It’s an interesting and incredibly trying position to fill.

In retrospect, I guess I’ve been through worse with more consequence. Doesn’t seem to help right now.

The Champ underestimated the opponent and didn’t strategize, work and train enough, if at all, on the correct areas. Imagine him getting caught w/ the same hook he knows is his weakness every time. He knows it’s not difficult for opponents to exploit that weakness because he’s terrible at hiding it.

Opponent lands the hook, and while the Champ is thinking about how he let it happen again, he didn’t pay attention to the opponent’s well-known killer uppercut – and he takes that right on the chin. Between the classic hook and getting nailed by the uppercut he never saw, he falls to the mat for a TKO.

He’s so tough he doesn’t knock out and he barely shows a sign of the terrifying blow. He’s been through enough shit and trained to build his tolerance. Too bad that’s not what matters in this fight.

TKOs are a real bitch. Let’s say you lose your footing like the Champ did early on and fall down like a dumb ass. Then maybe get caught by a surprise move – bam, bam. Like that, you’re done.

Is this training or the title bout? Every big match feels like the title match. And every time you can’t help but question if losing the match means you’re not cut out for the work.

Do champions ever visit that room in their minds?

Truth be told, the Champ can be as ruthless and dirty as the next man but never goes there. Maybe that’s the potential everyone sees in him. Sometimes it’s just within reach – teetering on that edge of making the full-fledged jump in to all-or-nothing mode. That’s a scary mode to be in because it makes for a lot of collateral damage.

All-or-nothing mode means your goal becomes your primary target and number-one priority. All else takes a seat. The Champ is truly at that point. Seems all the competition has crossed this point and decided to go forth. With his natural talent and more guiding and discipline, he isn’t only likely to succeed, but annihilate the competition.

Aaaaw No...

That's what Joe Pesci says when he comes to realize his "making" ceremony is actually his execution.

Now this is the first time I considered exercising restraint in my blog - but then I realized folks don't have to read this or look at it if they don't like it - and yes that includes you. This scene is priceless.

 He doesn't see it coming - even though he should after all he's gotten away with. The only really surprised people are him and his two closest friends. He gets executed by some senior associates of his. And when it's all said and done, there isn't much to say.

"And dat's dat," is all the supporting character says after the hit.

It's just business. But his friends don't see it that way - it's much more complex. Even the audience doesn't see it that way. We know he screwed up, but this was really fucked up. But then again - it's just business.

In the end there's not much any character feels they can reasonably do w/out aggravating the situation and making it worse than it already is. So everyone just moves on.

And dat's dat.

Social Purgatory

I've been pondering what made Muhammad Ali so intriguing to so many people - and across so many cultural lines. Furthermore, I'm wondering what makes boxing so appealing. Rather than just the brute and gruesome violence or even the strategy and training for competition - I think it has to do with the one-on-one format.

In real life our challenges and matches are hardly ever one-on-one - and even rarer face-to-face. Our opponents don't look you in the face and punch you. They smile in your face and cleverly and very indirectly inflict their damage. Life would be all that much easier if we knew who we were pitted against and vice versa. In all actuality, real life is more like all-out warfare and less like boxing. It's possible we love to watch boxing and see ourselves in the ring facing a single challenge.

The only similarity I see between boxing and real life is the individual. While you're not face-to-face with your opponent trading shots, you are just you. You might have a coach, but really it's just you facing a challenge w/ no real helpful allies. You have to possess both the talent and drive to succeed - even when you're shook and on the way down. No one can either hurt or aid you but what you see in front of you. Your senses don't lie.

I remember this line from Goodfellas. It's in the scene where Ray Liotta feels a gun to his head and immediately knows it's a cop. He knows it's a cop because a wise guy wouldn't have said anything - he'd have just shot you. And that's much more realistic than being in a ring w/ someone and duking it out until you have an undisputed winner. Matter of fact, life would be much easier that way too.

Truth is, life is not that simple and there's a very good reason. If someone tells you they're going to do you in, you can do something about it - therefore making it either more difficult or impossible all together. Sometimes you're just in the way and don't know it. You're just collateral damage for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. No matter the reason, no one's going to tell you anything - they're just going to hurt you. It's not personal right?

It's a game for sure. Either accept it and participate, or hang up and go somewhere else.

What ever happened to the guy who did neither? Did he end up old and incapacitated - or did he laugh all the way to the bank?

My Little Promise

The weather's surprisingly beautiful here in normally rainy Olympia, Wash. So rather than sit inside on my computer as usual or run like a banshee, I'm kickin' right here in town w/ the fam in the sun. Catch us at the park or anywhere else we wanna go.

I promised myself I'd go into hermit mode, but it's not really necessary. I can just set a little earlier and rise a little earlier. The sun is out and we are too!

More? Really?

I remember writing about how absolutely incredible 2009 was right about when the calendar turned to 1010. 2009 was certainly the best year of that decade and quite possibly the best of my life. Literally everything came together for the first time in my life - and for a sustained period.

That's a lot to live up to. By any safe assumption, 2010 couldn't be equal or better than 09' - that's like hitting the lottery twice.

But here I am finishing up the first quarter of the new year on track to exceed the highest points of 2009 by the third quarter of 2010. Better than resurrecting both my Naval and civilian careers, I've moved beyond just resurrection. I'm finally doing what I've been trying to do for at least 5, and in many cases 10, years. My daily life is literally so much of a dream, it's difficult to just manage it w/out becoming star struck at my surroundings.

Revelstoke, Tahoe, SIA and Denver, Vermont, New York State, New Jersey and then the NYC trip and hitting the ground running back here in Washington - it's just too good to be true. Then I get the o.k.

I'm going heli skiing Sunday! And the only thing I can think of is which skis I should bring.

I remember telling Admiral Tyson I just thought my trip in Thailand couldn't get any better. But then every day just got better than the last one - right through the end of the trip. That's become a trend.

I went skiing Tuesday night w/ Zach. It rained so hard we literally wore trash bags. It was hilarious hitting park jumps again - something I never thought I'd do again. Just a week later I'll be picking a line and having a pilot fly me there. This is all so much larger than life.

Mission Accomplished

I was there. Well, I was there at one point, just not when this photo was taken. My mission (getting the hell off that "cursed steel") was actually accomplished days before they departed on what turned out to be a 10-month deployment and one of the biggest black eyes in American history.

Good call eh?

Lucky is more like it. And tonight I'm calling mission accomplished one more time and hoping for some good ol' luck.

Just like in my endless boxing references, this one was more grueling and long than it was glorious and exciting. The fight I'm talking about tonight certainly isn't my finest. In my own defense, this is likely one of the most difficult opponents I've agreed to step in the ring against. I'm not sure if I didn't condition myself enough or what, but I'm certainly not pleased with my performance - even if I win the decision once the judges name it.

You'd think I've come so far from those mundane and petty days on the USS Abraham Lincoln. This stuff should be easy, but it's not. It's not easy at all. It all gets more difficult the more I want it. One of two things happens every time and I'm not sure why either does. I either get so much motivation and energy I win at all costs or I get paralyzed with fear and just can't put in the work needed to win and just stand there. After the first hard hit, I go numb and don't start feeling again till I've long lost the fight.

Let's hope I just get lucky with this one because I got scared and intimidated. The champ went the distance, but was it good enough?

The Beast

The most difficult opponent in life is ourselves.

All our character flaws, inadequacies and down right fuck ups, are here to make sure we don't win the fight. Imagine getting in the ring and stepping into your opponent's punches - not all the time, but enough to come close to losing the fight entirely.

It's literally a self-destructive tendency - yet so many of us do it. Even though we know better, we still make poor decisions. Even though we've seen the consequences so many times before, we still do it. Even though we knew there were close calls, we still do it. Even though we never want to do it again, we still do it.

Somewhere we've got to decide whether these are personality characteristics or a conscious willingness to hurt ourselves. Would life just be too boring w/out it? Is there some underlying fear of success? Is it beyond our control?

As we mature, we stop doing many of the things we used to do - the things that held us back. We learn things like patience - not blowing all your energy in the first minute of the first round. We learn about indirect strategies and how to prepare for a fight before the fight. We learn about ourselves through drills and when to take things serious.

But there some things, like junk food, we just like and do. We do it because on some level it feels good - even though we're getting fatter and will feel worse afterward. Drinking goes right in that basket too. So where is the discipline? All that time in the military and I still haven't developed the discipline to maintain myself for the things I love - including my career.

I'm only somewhere in the third round of the lifelong battle w/ myself. The bell doesn't ring and the points aren't awarded till I'm dead. I'll know I won or lost when my life flashes before me - if it does. But I have to win this round! I cannot step into one more punch and go down - not one more time.

Some people get knocked down early - and a lot. The more you get knocked down, the harder it is to get up and the less likely you are to win. Maybe being fortunate enough to know what I know and have what I have will be enough for me to take the fight seriously - because I know how to win. Now it's just a matter of executing the beast within.

CR Johnson's Freakin' Awesome Life

 

My head is in a million places right now. So here's a promise to a great story about my run-ins with the always entertaining CR Johnson - a person I know as three different people in one lifetime.

Once I get my plate clear and can clear my head - I'll put up my take on CR's freakin' awesome life.

j

The Empire State Building

Yeah - I did.

I had to go there and see it again - for the first time.

If you could only see the last time we were there. I mean literally - it was completely socked in w/ snow and fog. Well that certainly wasn't the case this time.

What a perfect way to say goodbye to the city. I just can't be back soon enough.